Canada. President Biden is Justin Trudeau. Look, it’s no secret that love has not been lost between me and Donald Trump. It ruined a good deal that Barack and I were doing when he withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership – a 12-nation trade deal – while also dragging down taxes on Canadian steel. That was a low blow. Joe, come and visit Ottawa. You are our largest trading partner. We can cooperate on human rights, security, trade, and come together on clean energy initiatives. I will also use your doe-eyed charm to inspire you to change your mind about the Keystone XL Pipeline, which aimed to expand emergency oil exports to Canada until you signed an action order Wednesday. cancel the project.
RA. Joe, Boris on the line. I know I was shocked by your ancestor, but I at least tried to distance myself from Donald Trump after the recent uprising at the U.S. Capitol. I should get credit for that, right? That way, let the undercharges be. Now that Brexit is done and erased, we need to focus on our “special relationship.” We have so much to sort out together: How to deal with the slow behavior of bellicose in China, reform and refocus NATO, and tackle climate change now that you have reintroduced to the climate goals of Paris. And of course, we need to find out the details of a new trade agreement between the UK and the US so that the anti-Brexit campaigners do not have another political imbalance to keep my head.
Mexico. Joe, this is Presidente Andrés Manuel López Obrador. As I told you recently, we have a lot of challenges to deal with – but don’t let us get too overwhelmed. Donald Trump was unbelievable and crass, for sure, but he usually left us alone. He did not concern us with human rights or the rule of law, as he respects the “sovereignty of Mexico”. I’m not so sure about you though, Joe. That’s why I recently offered Julian Assange sanctuary here in Mexico, and repealed a law protecting American drug agents on the soil of our home. It was important to express myself a little before you came into the office, surrendering? We need to come together to address security issues and immigration emergencies (there are already new immigration caravans heading for the Rio Grande). But we will work on these issues together – from long ago.
Germany. Finally, we’re back together again – Angela and Joe – though that’s short! I’m not one for hyperbole, but you have to prioritize your trip to Berlin pronto. Urgent work needs to be done to support transatlantic relations after four years of chaos: We need to take a united approach to trade grievances with China (I know you are not excited about the EU-China investment deal is in the works at the moment, but come to the Chancellor ‘s office, we’ll talk.) European confidence in the US is a reliable partner at historical levels, and although Emmanuel Macron, my friend in France, believes that Europe should be confident and stop being so dependent on Washington, I know our alliance is more important now than it has ever been. Come to Berlin, Joe. Let me help you to your own help.
Iran. Joe, it’s me, President Hassan Rouhani. Long time no see. We worked so well together on that nuclear deal back in 2015, before your ancestor came in and destroyed things. You and I want to regenerate in some way. Shall we not meet in, say, Geneva? We can try to find some common ground. If you lift those economic sanctions that are currently choking the people of Iran, I will try to hit the lures on the brakes on this ever – growing uranium enrichment program. But we’ll meet better soon: we have presidential elections in June, and my agent could be a real hard-nosed person who will be less willing to engage with Satan the Great. Think about it, Joe.
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